Hugh Grant Visits the Doctor

[Interior of standard examining room of a doctor’s office.  Hugh Grant is sitting alone on the examination table awaiting the doctor’s entry.  Grant adorably reads a pamphlet on dietary tips for expectant mothers with a look of mock confusion on his face]
[The door opens, and the doctor enters the room.  He holds a medical chart [...]

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My Shameful Secret

       I have a confession to make, and it’s something I’ve never shared with anyone.  For the last thirty years, I have lived with this dark secret, and it has been a constant struggle to hide it from everyone.  But I just feel so comfortable with you, blog.  It’s like I’ve known you forever, and [...]

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Good News, Everybody!

       Tomorrow afternoon, this little insignificant post will be replaced with the most imaginative, magical, fantastical, hilarious story you have ever read in your lives.  There will be no mermaids, no unicorns, no magic beans, and no rainbows leading to a pot of gold, but still, it will be really fucking incredible.  You have been forewarned.  [...]

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Absence Makes the Heart… Something, Something.

       I have this friend Barry, and we’ve been friends for going on two decades now.  Ever since junior high, we’ve been practically inseparable, and if there’s one person who I would say really understands me and would have my back no matter what kind of shit I got myself into, it would have to [...]

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How To Be Serious

       Look, I know that this blog is usually devoted to funny stories and “humor,” as it were, but I would like take a moment to show you all another side of myself.  While I enjoy spending five minutes every ten days writing ridiculous stories for this blog, I am also a very socially conscious [...]

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Peculiar Symptoms of my advancing age.

       Getting old.  It’s the fuckin’ pits, ain’t it?  Seems like just yesterday I was a young teenager, full of life, hormones, alcohol, THC, and a general disregard for my own well being.  Drunk driving?  No problem!  Riding my mountain bike off of a cliff by accident?  Just a few scrapes!  These days, I can’t [...]

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My day at the supermarket

 
       The other day I was at the grocery store shopping for some fresh produce to assist me in trying a new recipe, and I saw something pretty damn funny, if I do say so myself.  And I do.
       Anyway, I have this grilling cookbook created by the good folks over at Weber, famous for their grill [...]

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I’m a fucking star, and as such am now too good for all of you losers

 
Well, it finally happened.  My ship has finally come in.  I have hit the big time.  With the help of my attorney, the esteemed Phineas J. Turtlebottom, Esq., I have gone global.  In the last 24 hours, my pissant little blog has seen hits from places as exotic and excitiing as Thailand, Malaysia, Australia, Slovenia, [...]

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Mel Gibson was right. He tried to tell us, but we didn’t listen!!

       So I was taking a walk around the neighborhood earlier today (my car is in the shop, so I was forced to use my legs to get places just like poor people), and I saw something weird.  There was a car sitting on the side of the road.  It was smoking, and the occupants of [...]

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Stamps and other postal matter.

       Yeah, I’ve got a few hobbies here and there, mainly in the form of collections.  Let’s see, I have a collection of Archie Comics going all the way back to his first appearance in Pep, I’ve got a collection of shot glasses from every city I’ve ever visited (I don’t drink the alcohol, but apple juice [...]

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