Throughout the movie industry, one man’s name is synonymous with power, information, and a certain indescribable odor.  That man is Armand Finklestein, Hollywood Insider, and he has generously decided to sit down with this publication for a rare and exclusive interview.  Mr. Finkelstein, Hollywood Insider chose to spend the day with me at my home in Texas.

Me: So, Mr. Finklestein, thank you-

AFHI: Ahem!

Me: What?

AFHI: What did you call me?

Me: I said “Mr. Finklestein.”

AFHI: I only respond to my full title.

Me: Ah, that’s right.  My apologies.  Let me start again.  So, Armand Finklestein, Hollywood Insider, thank you for joining me in my home today.

AFHI: That’s better.

Me: Uh huh.  So what made you decide to participate in this interview in my humble home in Texas rather than in one of your own massive estates in Hollywood, California?

AFHI: Well, my boy, it’s always good to get out now and then and mingle with the common folk.  Get a feel for what your average everyday loser does with his life. 

Me: I see.  Thanks for that.

AFHI: You are right to thank me.  I have more money than you, and am therefore your better, so you should feel privileged that I would even step foot in this shithole you call a home.  I would call it more of a shithole.

Me: Right.  Um, anyway, so let’s talk about your storied career in the film industry.  Your first break into the business was as Marlon Brando’s assistant, is that correct?

AFHI: Ah , yes, Marlon.  Now there was a great man.  Truly a visionary actor, definitely the best actor in the history of the film business.  Have you seen those fish sticks commercials he did?  Fucking brilliant!

Me: Uh, I think that was Orson Welles, and he didn’t really do the commercials, he was just reading scripts on an audio tape.

AFHI: Oh, I’m sorry.  Are you the Hollywood Insider here?  Perhaps I should be interviewing you, Mr. Friend To The Stars?  How many celebrities do you know?

Me: All right, let’s not get nasty here.  Moving right along…  How was it working with Mr. Brando?  Any interesting stories or great lessons he taught you?

AFHI: Well, I never would have learned how to change an adult diaper if it wasn’t for him.

Me: Jesus.  So Brando was a bit incontinent in his old age, huh?

AFHI: Of course not!  He changed my diaper, you nitwit!  He was gracious enough to show me how to do it properly, and I’ll never forget him for that.  When you drink as much turpentine as I do, you really start to appreciate the comfort of a fine diaper!

Me: All right, I think I’m going to steer this conversation away from Brando for now.  Your first foray into actually making movies was… crap, I can’t find my notes.  Ah, here they are!  Your first foray into screenwriting was… wait, you wrote Bio-Dome?

AFHI: Yes, thank you.  That was definitely my defining moment as a writer.  It was amazing to see my words come to life in the hands of that talented thespian Pauly Shore and his buddy Santa Claus.

Me: Santa Claus?  What the fuck are you talking about?  That was Stephen Baldwin!

AFHI: That’s what I said, asshole.

Me: All right, whatever.  You’re actually proud to have written Bio-Dome, though?  It’s pretty much widely considered to be one of the worst movies ever made.  Metacritic.com has it listed as the number 1 lowest reviewed movie ever.

AFHI: Do you honestly think I care about what some Joe College dickhead critic like yourself has to say about my film?  We didn’t make it for you, Poindexter, we made it for the public, your average, everyday movie-going schmoe.  And they loved it!

Me: Well, it wasn’t exactly a blockbuster there, pal.  In fact, it was pretty much a bomb, if I remember correctly.

AFHI: Ha!  A bomb?  Yeah, right!  Where do you think I got this 24k gold Rolex from then, smart guy?

Me: Um, you’re just pointing at a rubber band around your wrist.  Your filthy wrist!  And you smell like a fucking compost heap soaked in cheap Wild Irish Rose.

AFHI: Heh, whatever.  Aren’t you supposed to ask me about my upcoming film projects now?

Me: Fine.  Do you have any upcoming film projects?

AFHI: I’m so glad you asked, fuckwit.  I am very excited about my next project.  it’s going to be a reimagining of the 1978 classic musical Grease.  It’s going to star all of the original Grease cast, including John Travolta and Olivia Newton John, but I’m going to reverse the roles of the whole cast!

Me: Reverse the roles?  What does that mean?

AFHI: The men are going to play the women’s parts, and vice versa.  It’s genius, I tell you!  I can’t wait to see John travolta, his hair in a giant perm and sewed into a pair of black hotpants singing “You Better Shape Up.”  Gives me chills every time I think about it!

Me: Gives me nausea.  All right, I’m tired of this crap.  Haven’t we gone far enough with this?  You said if I’d pretend to be from an entertainment magazine and interview you like you were a Hollywood bigshot, you’d finally get the hell out of my house.  It’s been a friggin’ month already!  I can’t keep having some delusional, disgusting, drunk homeless guy living in my house any longer!

AFHI: What are to talking about?  I’m a Hollywood producer!  I make millions.  I buy and sell little people such as yourself on a daily basis!  I hobknob with the big stars!  Why, I just had lunch with Alec Baldwin yesterday. 

Me: That was my toilet!  You were drunk and puking in it for about ten hours straight, and you kept calling it Alec for some reason.

AFHI: Don’t tell me my business!

Me: Please, any of you out there reading this, call the police!  I already asked you to do this the last time this psycho appeared on my blog, but apparently nobody listened!  He’s still here, and he smells worse than ever!  Please. somebody help me!

AFHI: Who are you talking to?  And I’m supposed to be the crazy one? 

 **A note from the proprietor of this blog:  Today I am allowing Armand Finklestein, Hollywood Insider (he insists on being introduced this way), to author a post on my blog.  Enjoy!**

       You don’t know me, but I’m the guy behind the guy next to the other guy who hears all kinds of juicy information about various dealings and happenings and goings on and whatnots in the entertainment industry.  I always have my ear to the ground, listening for the next big project or major studio production coming out of Hollywood.  I’m kind of like that kid Gordy from the movie Stand By Me.  You remember the scene:  Gordy and his pals are in the middle of crossing a giant railroad bridge.  Gordy is walking along behind the crawling fat ass Vern, and he stops and cocks his head.  He then kneels down and puts his hand to the rail to check for vibrations, and he knows there’s a train coming, and he yells out “TRAAAAAIIIIINNN!!!” in slow motion and shit so that the other kids know to run.  Then he throws Vern off the bridge.  Yeah, that’s me, except instead of a little kid on a bridge, I’m me on the internets.  It makes sense if you really think about it and you’re coked out of your gourd like I am.

       So I was having a chat with one of my famous friends the other day (I can’t reveal his name, but let’s just say he’s a really huge director, like Brett Ratner or McG huge!  Okay, it was Barry Levinson), and he was telling me about a pitch he’d delivered that had just been greenlighted.  The idea was very simple:  a biopic of the Three Stooges!  Genius!  So I pushed him for a little more information between the lines I was doing off of Amanda Bynes’ thong (Amanda wasn’t wearing the thong at the time.  I stole it from her trailer when she was shooting Sydney White.  At least I think it was her trailer.  I know it was a trailer.  Definitely on a movie lot.  Or maybe it was a WalMart parking lot.  But still, Amanda Bynes!  Come on!), and he told me that this dynamite new flick had already been cast.  So here, for the first time, on this pissant little blog, I will reveal the cast of the Three Stooges biopic, working title: Stoogin’ Around.

       Cast in the role of Moe Howard will be none other than Ben Stiller.  The kid with the golden…  um… ability to make movies good!  His patented blend of physical comedy and goofy rage make him the perfect candidate to play the head Stooge!  Also, he’s in every movie that Hollywood churns out these days, so he has to fit in there somewhere.  Up next, playing Larry Fine, we have Tom Arnold!  This role will give him the chance to shine again like we haven’t seen since his role opposite Coolio in the classic horror film Shriek If You Know What I Did Last Friday the Thirteenth.   My god, I am literally beating myself over the testicles with a Virginia Ham for not thinking of this idea first!  Also because I really like ham!  In the role of Shemp Howard, we have Jason Biggs, the kid who fucked the pie in that movie about pie fucking.  This will no doubt be his finest role since his Academy Award nominated turn in the classic tearjerker drama Loser opposite Mena Suvari’s perfectly round buttocks.  Okay, okay, okay!  I know you’re all dying to know who is going to be filling the role of Jerome “Curly” Howard.  I think I’ve kept you on the hook long enough.  The role of Curly will be fillled by…  Jeff Goldblum!  Oh man, oh man!  I’m so coked up right now that I think my heart is going to explode, but even I can tell that this movie will be the biggest blockbuster since The Adventures of Pluto Nash!

       So that’s all I’ve got to report from the inside of the Hollywood machine for now, although there will definitely be more to come in the near future.  I hear that Uwe Boll is in talks with a major studio to produce a remake of On Golden Pond, but instead of making it about old people crapping their diapers, it will star Lindsay Lohan and Tara Reid fighting raging zombies.  The zombie roles will be digitally recreated from the performances of Henry Fonda and Katharine Hepburn from the 1981 original.  Oh, man, where’s that ham?!?!

**Another note from the proprietor of this blog: You may wonder why I would allow this delusional freak to write a post on my blog.  I’m not doing this because I value the inside information he can provide about the entertainment industry, or because I think he can get me work in said industry.  You might wonder why I would not want to take advantage of the wonderful benefits of having such a well-connected friend.  Well, that would be because Armand Finklestein, Hollywood Insider is really just some homeless guy I found rummaging through my trash the other day.  He’s pretty dirty, and he smells like a cross between cat urine, Thunderbird, and ass.  Unfortunately, he slipped in through the backdoor last night when I was attempting to throw out the Tuna Helper that’s been rotting in my fridge for the last two weeks, grabbing the tupperware container from my hand and planting himself in front of what he calls my “magic internet box.”  He claims to be on coke, but I think his hallucinations mostly stem from both the massive amounts of Night Train he has been consuming as well as the aforementioned Tuna Helper he has ingested.  There was shit growing on there that could probably drop an elephant in its tracks.  So anyway, if you happen to read this, please call the police.  Armand Finklestein, Hollywood Insider, flushed my phone down the toilet about eight hours ago.**