Little Known Movie Review #4

       I know I said in the last post of this series that I would be reviewing The Legend of Billie Jean, but I just don’t have the energy right now to accurately describe the highlight of that film: Yeardley Smith, the young actress who would later portray the voice of Lisa Simpson, getting her first period in the backseat of a station wagon.  Maybe later.  I feel that I’ve made it fairly clear on this blog that I’m lazy, so you’ll just have to wait.  Until then, imagine Lisa Simpson saying, “When can I get a diaphragm?” in an exaggerated southern accent.  That should tide you over, you disgusting perverts.

       No, for today’s review, I would like to revisit the year 1986.  This was another banner year for 80’s filmmaking, and yet another example of the kind of crap that people enjoyed in that worthless decade.  That year would actually see an Oliver Stone film, Platoon, winning Best Picture.  Granted, this was probably Stone’s best film, but still, he sucks, so it can be gleaned that 1986 was a sucky year for movies.  If that’s too much of a logical leap for you, may God have mercy on your soul.

       However, once again the Hollywood types ignored another masterfully made film that came out that year.  Apparently in 1986, if a film didn’t involve Vietnam, Woody Allen, deaf people, or the sexual tension between Tom Cruise and Paul Newman, it wasn’t good enough for Captain Oscar.  Well, screw you, Oscar!  How dare you overlook my pick for the greatest movie of 1986, a perfect blend of gymnastics and angst titled American Anthem.

       This glorious film was supposed to be the career launching pad and starmaking vehicle for 1984 men’s Olympic gold medalist and hearththrob Mitch Gaylord.  Yes, that’s his name.  I’m sure he’s heard all of the jokes before, so I won’t revisit any of them here.  The Lord of the Gays plays young Steve Tavere, a troubled ex-quarterback and former gymnast whose high school athletic career was cut short by an abusive father who broke Steve’s arm in a drunken rage.  He has since abandoned his gymnastic aspirations to work in his father’s motorcycle shop.  You can really tell that Steve is troubled because he wears a leather jacket, sunglasses, and rides a motorcycle. 

       One day, Steve breaks into his old gym to spy on the gymnastics team, where he discovers a new girl on the team, Julie (portrayed by Janet Jones).  Jones was 25 at the time this movie was made, but she already looked about ten years older, especially when compared to some of the tiny little gymnasts portrayed in the same film.  It probably doesn’t help that she’s a tall, leggy blond, something you don’t see much of in female Olympic gymnastics hopefuls.  Anyway, Steve makes Julie his girlfriend, and he is so inspired by her drive that he decides to get back in shape and try out for the national team.

       We now have the setup for some of the funniest scenes in movie history.  Steve trains for the olympic team on a homemade parallel bar that is suspended between two trees in the woods.  Oh yeah, and he likes to practice his routine at night in the middle of a huge rainstorm.  Wouldn’t it be fairly tough to keep a tight grip on a parallel bar in the middle of a monsoon?  Just asking.  At Steve’s first meet, he is so confident in his abilities that he decides to attempt the hardest dismount ever from the parallel bars.  Bad idea.  He instead smashes into his spotter’s head, leaving the spotter bloodied as Steve cringes sexily.

       The only other thing worth noting in this genius film is Julie’s floor routine.  Julie, a former dancer, argues repeatedly with her coach over the selected music, as her natural spunk and energy are stifled by the traditional and old fashioned music that her coach forces on her for her routine.  Well, not for this rebel!  Taking a page from Steve and his rebellious ways, Julie has her retarded cousin compose an awful bit of synthesized dance music and slips the tape to the judges just before her performance.  And, wouldn’t you know it, the shitty 80’s synthesizer music causes her to shine!  If you see this movie for nothing else, see it for her retarded cousin doing his goofy ass fist pumps in the audience while Julie performs.  That little monkey sure can act!  Act retarded, that is.

       Anyway, this whole movie is basically just an excuse to film Mitch Gaylord (snicker) looking hot and sweaty along with Janet Jones.  It’s pretty much like a 102 minute 80’s music video.  If that doesn’t convince you to run out and rent this film immediately, well…  okay, then you may have better taste than I thought.  But you do get to see Steve’s kid brother ride a 4-wheeler off of a cliff for no reason, so that’s always a bonus. 

         Enjoy the movie, suckers!