I was supposed to post something very funny this afternoon. I must apologize to all of you, but it’s not going to happen. After consulting my legal team, I was informed that my disclaimer from yesterday was not legally binding, and I could still be held liable for any and all negative consequences that resulted from posting something too hilarious, so I will leave you instead with this joke:
A young Chinese couple gets married. She’s a virgin. Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn’t know that.
On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness. He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring.
“My darring,” he whispers, “I know dis you firss time and you berry flighten. I promise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting, juss you want. You juss ask. Whatchu want?” he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.
A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request. She eventually shyly whispers back, “I want to try something I have hear about from odda girls — Numbaa 69.”
More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her….
“You want Garlic Chicken Wif Snow Peas?”
Oh thank god, I was worried I would have gotten pregnant after reading that, but the test was blue..that’s the good one right?
No, I think blue means you’re pregnant. With a Smurf.
Congratulations!
NOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!
Oh, I take it this was an unplanned pregnancy then. Well, I can’t help you out there, pal. If there’s one thing I’ve always been against, it’s Smurf abortion.
Why, just the other day I spent the afternoon picketing Dr. Gargamel’s Family Planning Clinic. His fucking cat bit me!
That’s ok but I’m wondering how to break it to the father – Vanity smurf – he might freak out and then I still have to tell papa smurf and you should’nt make papa smurf angry, you wouldn’t like him when he is angry
Just tell him, “Hey, Vanity, could you put down that mirror for a second? I need to smurf to you about something. Thanks. Remember that night a couple of weekends ago when we went to that bar, and we started smurfing tequila shots, and we both got smurfed out out our minds, and then you took me home and smurfed me all night? Well, I’m pregnant.
“I’d appreciate it if you wouldn’t tell Papa Smurf about this. He’ll get all smurfy and probably smurf the heck out of me and tell me to get the smurf out of his house.
“I’ve decided that I’m going to keep the baby, and I’ll probably end up naming it something generic like ‘Baby Smurf’ so as to not violate the strict Smurf naming conventions to which we’ve all become accustomed. I’m not asking you to marry me, but I would appreciate your help since we’re in this together. God, we really smurfed this whole thing up, didn’t we?”
After that, hopefully you’ll both live smurfily ever after. Smurf.
For a second there, I thought that you were using the word smurf as a euphemism for something else.
Smurf?