Tomorrow afternoon, this little insignificant post will be replaced with the most imaginative, magical, fantastical, hilarious story you have ever read in your lives. There will be no mermaids, no unicorns, no magic beans, and no rainbows leading to a pot of gold, but still, it will be really fucking incredible. You have been forewarned. Your head may literally explode at the awesomeness of this one post, but it will be worth it.
Warning: if you lose the ability to read after witnessing this incredible story, I cannot be held responsible. Also, if you succumb to an unexplained case of incurable laughter, I absolve myself of any responsibility for your affliction. You are an adult. You are old enough to make your own choices, and if you think you can’t handle it, you should really think twice about reading what will be posted on this blog tomorrow. I mean it. You should consider the consequences of your own actions. I’m not your mom or your dad, so I can’t tell you what to do.
Oh yeah, I guess I should also mention this: if your head does literally explode, that’s not my fault. I’m tired of this litigious society that we live in today. By not commenting on this post (the current one, not the fucking incredible one that you will see tomorrow, should you choose to partake in it under your own free will and through no coercion by yours truly), you have forfeited any liability on my part for any injury or psychological harm that may come to you by the reading of my post tomorrow. Through your own silence, you agree to not sue me or seek any other form of compensation from me due to the results of your foolhardy decision to go through with reading tomorrow’s post.
In addition, I absolutely cannot be held responsible for any cleaning bills associated with your reading of tomorrow’s post. Should your uncontrollable laughter and perhaps permanent stupor cause you to lose control of any of your bodily functions, whether it be controlling your bladder, your bowels, or your gag reflexes, I will not be liable for any resulting laundry, dry cleaning, or upholstery treatment bills associated with your inability to keep from shitting yourself. For real, people, you might want to reconsider reading tomorrow’s post. It may be for your own good.
I also will take no responsibilty for any medical bills that may result from your poor decision to read tomorrow’s post. If you have to go to the “funny farm” or “loony bin” or “wacky hut” or “cracker box” or “place where they put people who are fucking wicked crazy out of their freaking gourds,” that’s your problem, not mine.
Along with the whole psychological aspect, I will also not be responsible for any bodily harm that may come to you should you decide to read the upcoming story. If you decide to take your own life because you realize that you will never again witness anything as beautiful ever again and that the rest of your life will be but a futile struggle to once again regain the joy that you felt on that one magical day (tomorrow) that you read the best thing you’ve ever read in your life, that’s your own thing. You did it, not me. I’ve been more than fair in providing this little disclaimer. The same thing goes for if you become a weird little retard because you are so happy after reading the post (coming tomorrow!) that you decide nothing would be more fun than going to play in traffic and you get hit by a car and end up losing multiple limbs and part of your jaw and half of your cerebral cortex and maybe a kidney and your appendix and the memory of how your mom’s hair smelled when you were a child and some or all of your sexual organs/functions. Not my fault.
Be practical here, people, that’s all I’m saying. Do you have a heart condition? Are you pregnant? Is there a history of cancer, diabetes, high blood pressure, alcoholism, or sleep apnea in your family? If the answer to any of these questions is “yes,” you might want to consider refraining from reading tomorrow’s post. If the answer is “no,” you still might want to consider refraining. My writing has been known to cause all of the above conditions in lab rats, lab monkeys, and cute little fuzzy bunnies.
If, after reading tomorrow’s post, you find yourself afflicted with herpes, HIV, chlamydia, pubic lice, gonorrhea, genital warts, syphillis, or any other various STDs or UTIs, I cannot assume responsibility for your filthiness. Also, if you find yourself pergnant, don’t look at me. I was wearing a condom, remember?
I think that about covers it. You have been fully briefed about all of the possible negative consequences of reading the story that I will post tomorrow afternoon. Still, it’s gonna be really fucking good! I think the risk is worth it, but that’s just me. I also think you would be a giant pussy if you decided not to read tomorrow’s post, and you’d probably spend the rest of your life wondering how awesome it would have been if you had just decided to take a chance and read the greatest story ever told (not the Bible). But no pressure from me! Do what you want.
So tune in tomorrow… if you’ve got the balls!
You got me. I am not one to sue. I take responsibility for my actions these days. So which one did I miss about the Latino culture? I would really like to read the blog. I think I may have already read it and made it out breathing, heh.
It’s called “How To Be Serious.”
http://notbaio.wordpress.com/2008/06/20/how-to-be-serious/
oh yea? and what if I don’t have balls?
Just think about it-how it would make me feel if I was clay aiken or carrot top and I was reading this post? Not very good I would assume.
Alternatively I could have lost them in a horrible disfiguring accident like Pauly Shore or David Archuleta(ok, i know having your balls cut off by your father is not technically an accident) and reading this post would bring back those terrible, painful memories.
Now, ok I do have balls and I haven’t been in a ball-losing accident but it still does give you a lot to think about doesn’t it?
Not really.