Amazing New Television Show!

       Hey, guys!  I’m so excited right now because I just read this article about an amazing new show on television, and I can’t wait to see it!  Thank god for the media, always keeping abreast of the latest and greatest TV shows for those of us too busy or too stupid (or too busy!) to keep up with today’s trends! 

       Okay, now that I’m through being scathingly sarcastic, what year is this again?  2008?  Because I could have sworn by the way this moron is gushing on and on and on about “Family Guy” that it was 1999.  You know, nine frigging years ago when this show was actually new.  Ooo, how subversive of this guy to actually admit that he likes “Family Guy!”  It’s not like it’s one of the most popular animated shows on television or anything.  Moron.

       The guy who wrote the article is named “Frazier,” too.  I bet he named himself after the title character from the awful TV show “Frasier.”  Okay, I’ll admit that that’s fairly unlikely, but this guy is really a jerk anyway!

       Hey, jerk!  Next time you feel like telling us all about what you like, think again, buster!  We are all way cooler than you anyway.  Where have you been for the last nine years, under a rock buried in a cave that was underground under a basement underneath a large skyscraper?  Because that’s how far under things you must be if you’re only just now thinking it is a was a good idea to write an article about a show that’s been around for nearly a decade.  Do you really think I need you to describe this show to me?  God, you are ridiculous!  Where’d you get your journalism degree from, Captain Retarded’s Monkey Petting Zoo, Massage Parlor, and Community College?

       I’m not even going to get into how you describe “Family Guy” as “brilliant” and “breathtakingly smart.”  Let’s just say that you must have trouble breathing when trying to do simple addition.  I’d hate to see how many times you pass out during an episode of this show.  Probably as many times as Peter Griffin says, “This reminds me of the time I…” and then the show cuts to a completely non-sequitur event that has nothing to do with the main plotline of the show.  So (hopefully I won’t pass out while doing this addition in my head!) that would add up to about 20 times per episode.  Your hospital bills must be through the roof!

       What’s next, pal?  Are you going to tell us about the brilliantly crafted satire of a little known Fox show titled “The Simpsons?”  The edgy and fresh take on crime and punishment presented in little-watched series “Law & Order?”  The heart-stopping under-the-radar drama of “E.R.?”

       God, you make me sick!  People like you give the media a bad name.  Why don’t you just quit right now?  Find something better to do with your life, because journalism is just not for you.  Loser!  Here’s a scoop for you:  you stink!

       Okay, I apologize.  I’ve been really stressed out at work lately.  I’ve been working on this massive project for Bob, and he’s breathing down my neck every five seconds.  He even told me the other day that he was going to fire me if I didn’t get my act together.  Things aren’t going that great at home either.  Ellen has been spending a lot of time with her new guitar instructor, Osmondo, and little Eddie got caught starting fires down at the Community Center.  Don’t even get me started on Amanda, my 16 year old.  Let’s just say she’s very popular with the boys.  She must get that from her slut mother.  On top of that, I’ve started drinking again, and I don’t know if I can stop.  It’s like my whole world is slowly crumbling around me, and all I can do is pour another glass of scotch.

       Hey, Frazier, you’re not so bad.  I’m sorry for coming off so angry there.  I guess I have a bit of a short fuse these days.  What do you say we go out and have a beer or two?  Or three?  Or twelve?

       Hey!  Is that a gun over there?  I’ll be right back…