Lesbos sue lesbians

 

Campaigners on the Greek island of Lesbos are to go to court in an attempt to stop a gay rights organisation from using the term “lesbian”.

I bet you think I made that up, didn’t you?  No, that is directly quoted from an actual BBC News article.  Inhabitants of the island of Lesbos are battling to stop gay women from calling themselves or being called “lesbians.”  Sometimes actions in the real world trump all comedy.

The man spearheading the case, publisher Dimitris Lambrou, claims that international dominance of the word in its sexual context violates the human rights of the islanders, and disgraces them around the world.  He says it causes daily problems to the social life of Lesbos’s inhabitants.

If this oily Greek guy is successful in his campaign, I am going to initiate a few lawsuits of my own, with the help of my esteemed attorney, Phineas J. Turtlebottom, Esq., of course.  First off, I will fight to take back the word “gay.”  This word used to mean “happy” or “fun,” but now the sexual connotations attached to the word have made it taboo for any heterosexual to use to describe themselves.  That violates my civil rights as an English speaker.  You can’t just hijack a word so that no one else can use it.  Same goes for the word “queer.”  And, if you’re British, “fag”.  How many unsuspecting Brits have been punched in the face for asking an American for a cigarette using this colloquial term?  Probably none, but it could happen!

Next, I’m going to sue for ownership of disco music.  See, I can understand why gay men might claim ownership to certain songs (”It’s Raining Men,” anything by the Village People), but a whole genre?  Come on!  There was a time when a confident, heterosexual man could slap on a pair of skin tight polyester pants, a butterfly-collared shirt open to mid-chest, and a sweet gold medallion and disco dance the night away with lots of hot chicks without fear of retribution.  Those days are gone, gentlemen!

Hey, gay people!  Nothing against any of you, but couldn’t you lay claim to something like rap music or country?  You all have had virtually no penetration (no pun intended) in those markets.  Okay, so you’ve got Kenny Chesney, but who else?.  We’d be glad to give you free reign over both of those genres with no complaints.  We’ll even let you keep the techno music!  How’s that sound?  In return, just give us our words and our disco music back.  Sound like a fair deal?

Let’s shake on it.