An interview with Armand Finklestein, Hollywood Insider
May 2, 2008 by Jason Austinite
Throughout the movie industry, one man’s name is synonymous with power, information, and a certain indescribable odor. That man is Armand Finklestein, Hollywood Insider, and he has generously decided to sit down with this publication for a rare and exclusive interview. Mr. Finkelstein, Hollywood Insider chose to spend the day with me at my home in Texas.
Me: So, Mr. Finklestein, thank you-
AFHI: Ahem!
Me: What?
AFHI: What did you call me?
Me: I said “Mr. Finklestein.”
AFHI: I only respond to my full title.
Me: Ah, that’s right. My apologies. Let me start again. So, Armand Finklestein, Hollywood Insider, thank you for joining me in my home today.
AFHI: That’s better.
Me: Uh huh. So what made you decide to participate in this interview in my humble home in Texas rather than in one of your own massive estates in Hollywood, California?
AFHI: Well, my boy, it’s always good to get out now and then and mingle with the common folk. Get a feel for what your average everyday loser does with his life.
Me: I see. Thanks for that.
AFHI: You are right to thank me. I have more money than you, and am therefore your better, so you should feel privileged that I would even step foot in this shithole you call a home. I would call it more of a shithole.
Me: Right. Um, anyway, so let’s talk about your storied career in the film industry. Your first break into the business was as Marlon Brando’s assistant, is that correct?
AFHI: Ah , yes, Marlon. Now there was a great man. Truly a visionary actor, definitely the best actor in the history of the film business. Have you seen those fish sticks commercials he did? Fucking brilliant!
Me: Uh, I think that was Orson Welles, and he didn’t really do the commercials, he was just reading scripts on an audio tape.
AFHI: Oh, I’m sorry. Are you the Hollywood Insider here? Perhaps I should be interviewing you, Mr. Friend To The Stars? How many celebrities do you know?
Me: All right, let’s not get nasty here. Moving right along… How was it working with Mr. Brando? Any interesting stories or great lessons he taught you?
AFHI: Well, I never would have learned how to change an adult diaper if it wasn’t for him.
Me: Jesus. So Brando was a bit incontinent in his old age, huh?
AFHI: Of course not! He changed my diaper, you nitwit! He was gracious enough to show me how to do it properly, and I’ll never forget him for that. When you drink as much turpentine as I do, you really start to appreciate the comfort of a fine diaper!
Me: All right, I think I’m going to steer this conversation away from Brando for now. Your first foray into actually making movies was… crap, I can’t find my notes. Ah, here they are! Your first foray into screenwriting was… wait, you wrote Bio-Dome?
AFHI: Yes, thank you. That was definitely my defining moment as a writer. It was amazing to see my words come to life in the hands of that talented thespian Pauly Shore and his buddy Santa Claus.
Me: Santa Claus? What the fuck are you talking about? That was Stephen Baldwin!
AFHI: That’s what I said, asshole.
Me: All right, whatever. You’re actually proud to have written Bio-Dome, though? It’s pretty much widely considered to be one of the worst movies ever made. Metacritic.com has it listed as the number 1 lowest reviewed movie ever.
AFHI: Do you honestly think I care about what some Joe College dickhead critic like yourself has to say about my film? We didn’t make it for you, Poindexter, we made it for the public, your average, everyday movie-going schmoe. And they loved it!
Me: Well, it wasn’t exactly a blockbuster there, pal. In fact, it was pretty much a bomb, if I remember correctly.
AFHI: Ha! A bomb? Yeah, right! Where do you think I got this 24k gold Rolex from then, smart guy?
Me: Um, you’re just pointing at a rubber band around your wrist. Your filthy wrist! And you smell like a fucking compost heap soaked in cheap Wild Irish Rose.
AFHI: Heh, whatever. Aren’t you supposed to ask me about my upcoming film projects now?
Me: Fine. Do you have any upcoming film projects?
AFHI: I’m so glad you asked, fuckwit. I am very excited about my next project. it’s going to be a reimagining of the 1978 classic musical Grease. It’s going to star all of the original Grease cast, including John Travolta and Olivia Newton John, but I’m going to reverse the roles of the whole cast!
Me: Reverse the roles? What does that mean?
AFHI: The men are going to play the women’s parts, and vice versa. It’s genius, I tell you! I can’t wait to see John travolta, his hair in a giant perm and sewed into a pair of black hotpants singing “You Better Shape Up.” Gives me chills every time I think about it!
Me: Gives me nausea. All right, I’m tired of this crap. Haven’t we gone far enough with this? You said if I’d pretend to be from an entertainment magazine and interview you like you were a Hollywood bigshot, you’d finally get the hell out of my house. It’s been a friggin’ month already! I can’t keep having some delusional, disgusting, drunk homeless guy living in my house any longer!
AFHI: What are to talking about? I’m a Hollywood producer! I make millions. I buy and sell little people such as yourself on a daily basis! I hobknob with the big stars! Why, I just had lunch with Alec Baldwin yesterday.
Me: That was my toilet! You were drunk and puking in it for about ten hours straight, and you kept calling it Alec for some reason.
AFHI: Don’t tell me my business!
Me: Please, any of you out there reading this, call the police! I already asked you to do this the last time this psycho appeared on my blog, but apparently nobody listened! He’s still here, and he smells worse than ever! Please. somebody help me!
AFHI: Who are you talking to? And I’m supposed to be the crazy one?
I’m absolutely appalled. I’ve never seen someone railroaded so quickly in all my life. How dare you accuse Mr. Armand Finklestein, Hollywood Insider, of being a fake! He’s the most brilliant writer I’ve ever had the pleasure to work with.
Didn’t you see his artful rewrite of “Roots”? It was called “Rooted–Starring Ginger Ale”. It was “Roots” and “Mandingo”, with a twist. The story is set in 1952. Mandingo’s father, played by O.J. Simpson has been taken hostage by leaders of the PLO, played by Lorne Green and James Mason because they believe he’s guilty of murdering Lorne’s second cousin’s, great aunt (twice removed), Susan George. Many of the original cast members of both movies star–so I would think that would speak highly of the script. Mandingo himself is played by Mayar Angelou. Louis Gossett plays Mandingo’s flight school instructor and I had the leading role as Kunte Kinte, the poor, segregated black girl who grows up to become Kizzy Kunte, liberator of large-handed black men. It had everything–drama, violence, gratuitous breast-clutching, heartache and big, fancy U.S. of Americans jets. The movie was perfect, the script divine.
I guess we won’t be finding any fair and balanced reporting here. Why don’t you just move to the Iraq?! Sinner.
Fox News I ain’t, sugar tits!
Wait, are you that toothless crack whore that comes over and “services” Finklestein about twice a week? I don’t think I’ll ever get that fish smell out of my couch! Thanks, whore!
I lost a few of my teeth during the filming of “Rooted” when Maya rammed her Mandingo Root in my face.
Armand Finklestein, Hollywood Insider, and I are in love. In fact, I personally made the dish he’s dining on in the photo and above. If you look in the foreground, you can see the blood-stained pillow that was used to prop my well-endowed ass for love-making that morning.
I’m betting jealousy is your plague. If you play your cards right, I’ll let you get a whiff of the fish up close and personal like to help you cure your ills.
Yeah, it’ll cure my ills by killing me to death. I gotta tell ya, this whole thing has left a bad taste in my mouth.