My day at the supermarket

 

       The other day I was at the grocery store shopping for some fresh produce to assist me in trying a new recipe, and I saw something pretty damn funny, if I do say so myself.  And I do.

       Anyway, I have this grilling cookbook created by the good folks over at Weber, famous for their grill technology or some shit.  Whatever, it was a gift.  I had been flipping through the book looking for something to actually cook, because my taste buds and my butthole were both getting quite tired of eating frozen Hill Country Fare™ brand taquitos fresh from the oven just like mi abuelita used to make (except my grandmother was not Hispanic, did not make Mexican food, and probably couldn’t even pronounce “taquito”).  While thumbing through the book, I found a recipe that sounded enticing: Chicken in Red Wine Marinade.  For this recipe, you basically buy a whole chicken, cut it in half down the breastbone, remove the spine, then marinate it in a bag for twenty four hours in garlic, olive oil, anchovies, yellow onion, salt, pepper, parsley, and a whole bottle of red wine.  Then, you grill both halves on indirect medium heat for about 45 minutes, and voilà, you have a pretty fuckin’ tasty meal.

       So there I was in the produce section, sorting through the yellow onions in order to find the perfect specimen (I’m anal when it comes to produce, that’s why I don’t fuckin’ cook more often.  Trips to the store can last several hours), when I notice these two little kids running back and forth between the produce aisles screaming at ridiculously high volumes and playing tag or something.  The kids, both boys, were probably around the ages of 8 and 10, respectively, and they were just hellbent on tearing ass around that whole place, oblivious to anyone or anything around them. 

       If you know me, you know that I hate it when people don’t make their kids behave in public.  When I was a kid, if I even thought about acting like these two kids were in public, my mother would have beaten the living crap out of me, and every adult standing around would have probably stepped in to help.  These days, kids get away with anything, and if you think a parent is going to discipline them, Jesus, have you been living in a cave for the last couple of decades?

       Well, this whole thing went on for about ten minutes, and I could see no parent in sight.  I looked around to make sure I hadn’t maybe accidentally walked into a friggin’ daycare or something, but sure enough, this was a public grocery store, and these two hellions were just running around untethered and unsupervised, knocking over potatoes here, tomatoes there, a little bit of everything.  I decided that I just needed to grab the best onion I could find and get the hell out of there.  I hastily made my selection, and I turned to make my way to the front of the store.  Just at that moment, I saw the two kids rush by me at top speed, squealing the whole way, and they both collided with a man carrying a basket full of groceries, all of which flew up into the air and crashed to the ground in front of him.

       After about ten seconds of just looking around him at all of his future meals splayed out on the floor, this guy proceeds to go apeshit on these kids!  He was screaming and cursing and just laying into these kids like I’ve never seen before.  It was unbelievable!

       “You sorry little pieces of shit!  Where the fuck is your fucking welfare mother?!  I’m gonna slap that worthless bitch for not keeping you filthy little fucking animals on a leash!  I wish she had done the world a fucking favor when she was pregnant with you and just aborted you right then and there so the world could have been spared your fucking screeching, clumsy little asses!”

       Everyone in the place was completely frozen, stunned into silence by this colossal rant.  If the mother of these kids was around, she wasn’t claiming them.  I don’t blame her.  This dude probably would have choked her to death right there in front of the Granny Smith apples.

       At that point, this guy bends down and starts picking up his groceries, but he doesn’t put them in his basket.  No, instead, he starts flinging everything at these little kids!  The children were too scared to move, so they just stood there while this psycho’s groceries pelted them all over.   I saw a box of Hamburger Helper bounce off of the ten year old’s head, with little more reaction from the kid than a slight wince.  By the end of it, both kids were covered in parsley, olive oil, tampons for some reason, and tons of other crap.  They clutched onto each other, shivering with fright at what this crazy man might do next.

       Something must have happened inside the guy’s head at that point, because the expression of rage on his face suddenly cleared, and a look of surprise came over him as he realized what he had done.  Suddenly aware of his predicament, the guy dropped the last garlic clove he had in his hand, and he hauled ass for the front door.

       “Later, bitches!” he called over his shoulder as he disappeared out the front door.  It was truly one of the most bizarre scenes I have ever witnessed.

       Okay, now that I’ve completed that story, I’m feeling a little dishonest, and I feel like I need to come clean.  I may have changed some of the details in order to protect certain people from any shame or legal consequences of their actions, but my conscience just won’t allow me to keep the lie going. 

       The guy who did all of this was not just “some guy.”  It was me.  I’ve been kind of stressed at work lately, and those little kids really were a couple of little bastards!

       Okay, and the little kids weren’t actually running around and screaming, and they didn’t run into me and spill my groceries all over the floor.  They were just standing right in front of the yellow onions and wouldn’t get out of my way, no matter how hard I thought about asking them to move. 

      And they weren’t little kids.  They were a couple of old ladies, probably in their late 70s.  All the rest of the story is true, though.

       Suffice to say, I haven’t tried out that red wine chicken recipe yet.  I don’t think I’ll be welcome back at that grocery store any time soon.  It’s cool.  I’m more of a Taco Bell guy anyway.