I’m a fucking star, and as such am now too good for all of you losers
April 21, 2008 by Jason Austinite
Well, it finally happened. My ship has finally come in. I have hit the big time. With the help of my attorney, the esteemed Phineas J. Turtlebottom, Esq., I have gone global. In the last 24 hours, my pissant little blog has seen hits from places as exotic and excitiing as Thailand, Malaysia, Australia, Slovenia, Venezuela, Israel, Japan, and Dayton, Ohio.
I have also been linked from the Philippines, some douchebag’s petition, and some chick named Sandy’s website. I hope that Sandy has something of hers lying around that I can steal, perhaps some money, lottery tickets, or delicious pie carelessly left to cool on her unsuspecting windowsill. I have also been cited as a source of factual media reporting alongside such giants as Entertainment Tonight and the New York Post. I have truly made it.
But it wasn’t complete, wasn’t nearly close to being in the same vicinity as complete. No, it wasn’t complete until yesterday, when I got a hit from a Google search term. Some poor hapless soul somehow reached my blog by typing in the most unlikely of search terms, and with their unusual mistake, they made me feel like I had finally made something of my life.
So I would like to thank you, anonymous stranger, for making all of this worthwhile. You.. complete me. There were a few times that I had considered abandoning this silly blog for fear that it wasn’t being appreciated, but now I know better. God bless you, sir or madam (but most likely sir), for reminding me of why I do this in the first place.
Oh, what’s that? You want to know what the search term was? Ok, let me show you in the following screen capture. The following brought tears of joy to my eyes, and hopefully it will do the same for you, dear readers. Enjoy.
Oops! That was me. Sorry hotstuff–I didn’t mean to get your hopes up. I was just trying to post my latest video.
Was it necessary for you to use both the words “senior” and “granny?” I think granny by itself would have sufficed.
Please send the aforementioned video to me forthwith, that I might provide a critical analysis and unbiased review of its contents. I wish to see it only for purely academic reasons, of course.
Redundancy makes the engine purr. I assumed you were aware of that fact.
The cost of the video is $19.95. And as a special gift to my special friend, I’ll throw in the latest wax impression of my gums. It’ll be almost like you’re really there!
For a gnarled, crusty, dried up, toothless old lady, you’re kinda hot! I don’t know about $19.95 hot, but hot nonetheless!
I get that all the time.
This is “Tiny” from Vote For The Worst. What’s the matter? You can feel all high and mighty and attack me, but you can’t take it back, so you delete my comment? I do not listen to Miley Cyrus. And I have a right to think what I want about Vote For The Worst. You think you’re so clever and cute by insulting me by calling me “Tiny”. When really you are just pathetic.
Pardon me, Tiny, but I did not delete your comment. You did not comment on this post. The post that you commented on was titled “My Day at the Supermarket.” If you look at the comments for that post, you will see your original dipshit comment in all its glory.
Don’t worry, Tiny, you’ll get the hang of these pesky intarwebs one day. If your tiny brain starts getting full, just take a break and listen to your High School Musical soundtrack.