An Open Letter to Jeff Archuleta, Psycho Stage Dad, from My Attorney

Dear Sir,

       This notice is to inform you that my services and expertise in the area of family law have been retained by an organized group of male citizens who have rallied together to emancipate their favorite “American Idol” contestant, young Mr. David Archuleta.  The name of this organization of concerned citizens is Fathers Against Guys Going Overboard on Their Sons.  This group of men has a strong interest in the career and well being of your son, and they would like nothing more than to take him into their homes to save him from your storied temper.  As a side note, they would also like to dress him up in a little sailor suit and have him dance around for them, but that fact has no bearing on the actual lawsuite at hand.

       Mr. Archuleta, your reputation as a cruel and overbearing “stage dad” has become legendary in the reality talent competition market, and it is only recently that these details have come into public light.  Much of this media exposure is due to my clients’ recent acquisition of a celebrity spokesperson in the form of the lovely and not at all frightening-looking Naomi Judd.  This sexy granny has helped my clients spread the word of your awful deeds, and the public exposure has focused the energy of the nation upon emancipating your 17 year old singing star from being enslaved by his evil father.

       It has been obvious from the beginning that the unrelenting pressure you have placed on your child has caused perhaps incorrectable damage.  He demonstrates the tell tale slumped-shouldered posture and social awkwardness typical of an overly stressed child.  He has a limited vocabulary that demonstrates a stunted mental growth.  As of this notice, the only words he has ever been heard to utter by anyone are “It’s just such a great song and has a really good message.”  An eleven word vocabulary for a 17 year old boy is far from normal. 

       It is also believed that you have neglected to provide your child with necessary psychological care by not seeking treatment for his apparent yet undiagnosed mental disorders.  To date, Archuleta the younger has demonstrated obvious symptoms of Asperger’s Syndrome as well as Borderline Personality Disorder.  Some of these disorders may have been caused by your affinity for denying your child any food up to 24 hours before each performance, as well as your reported habit of hitting David over the head repeatedly with his favorite teddy bear, Mr. Binkles.  This may sound like a minor offense to some, but those people are not aware that you have reportedly replaced Mr. Binkles’ stuffing with rocks and broken glass.

       For the reasons outlined above, my clients have retained my services in order to emancipate young Mr. Archuleta (and Mr. Binkles, if possible) from you.  We seek to have your parental rights terminated forthwith, allowing David Archuleta to control his own life for once and finally grow a freaking personality.  For real, that kid’s dumber than a bag of hammers!  This should be fairly easy to accomplish, as any judge worth their salt will be able to tell that you are obviously a psycho who is jealous of your son because he’s got real talent, while you yourself probably tried out for “American Idol” and failed, just like those jerks over at VoteForTheWorst.com, whom I am also suing for being big meanies.  Using my newfound and totally not made up expertise in family law, I will prevail in this lawsuite, despite my confusing and perhaps not all that wise decision to reveal my whole case to you in this preliminary letter.  Get ready for a lawsuite, jerk!

Love,

Phineas J. Turtlebottom, Esq.

Still Totally a Regular-Type Lawyer, but Totally a Family Lawyer Now Also 

**Update** Apparently some other citizens have decided to get in on the act and try to save David Archuleta from his daddy dearest.  An online petition has been started here, and I encourage you NOT to sign it.  I can already hear you asking, “Wait, why shouldn’t we sign it?  We want to help free little David from his father, do we not?”  Yes, we do, but we want to do it through my lawsuite so that I can take control of David Archuleta’s career once his father is out of the picture.  Trust me, I know what’s best for David.  That kid’s gonna make me rich!  Suck on that, Dadchuleta!

I must say, though, that it warms my heart to be cited as a source along with such respected media giants as the New York Post and Entertainment Tonight, always sources of well-researched and truthful journalism.  Turtlebottom’s hit the big time, baby!

Thanks to VFTW member elvenjewel for pointing this out to my client.