New paths in career awesome
April 7, 2008 by Jason Austinite
As some of you may know, I have long dreamed of breaking into the music business. Ever since I was a wee babe on my mother’s knee, I’ve been drawn to the pounding beats, bright lights, powerful melodies, and evocative lyrics that only the best modern music can provide. However, I don’t sing, I don’t write songs, and I don’t play any instruments well enough to mention, so my dream has always seemed pretty far out of reach.
Because of these limitations, I had pretty much resigned myself to a life of corporate slavery, whoring out my talents and mighty brainpower to the highest (and by “highest,” I mean ”lowest”) bidder. My life would be a long, tiring slog from one day to the next, working my ass off every day for the meager pennies that Colonel Alfred P. Moneybags (the owner, founder, and proprietor of the mighty Colonel Al’s Old Time Cloth Diaper Emporium™ chain of worldwide shitrag stores) would see fit to throw my way.
I started out as a mere Lowly Cloth Diaper Scrubber®, toiling tirelessly day in and day out, until my time with the company and my hard work led me slowly up the corporate ladder to my current position, The Guy Who Dumps the Blue Liquid onto the Diapers in the Commercials Seen on TV®. Sure, it’s a pretty glamorous position, the money’s not bad, and I’m technically a member of the infotainment industry, but I have never been able to shake my yearning for a true shot in the music business.
Well, my friends, I have some news. Before I disclose the following information, I will ask that you please keep it under your hat for the time being, at least until all of the contracts are signed. If Colonel Moneybags found out what I’ve been doing behind his back, he would no doubt beat me senseless with a large bag of money (his weapon of choice, which served him well during the Great War). At that point, I could only hope that his monocle did not shake loose from its familiar and trusted position above his eye. Then I would really be in for a Shitstorm™ (the mighty Shitstorm™ machine has long been a staple of the old time cloth diaper business, and an item you’re all no doubt familiar with, so no further explanation is necessary).
Approximately two weeks ago, the Colonel called a large meeting around his massive boardroom table, which, as we all know, is shaped like a long piece of excrement, and he spoke of the future of the diaper industry.
“Gentlemen, we have come to a crossroads in the storied and hallowed cloth diaper business. As you are all aware, our company has experienced massive growth and staggering profit margins in the last several years. The fear of global warming and the negative effects of non-recyclable materials have brought the disposable diaper business to its knees, making way for the resurgence of the cloth diaper. I must thank our brilliant marketing team for creating and proliferating the myth of global warming, for that brilliant scheme has propelled our company’s wealth and power into the stratosphere!
“But, men, we have just begun to feel the effects of a saturated market. As you know, once you own a cloth diaper, you don’t need to buy more. Now that everyone in the United States and Europe owns our diapers, who else is going to buy them? Our relatively recent expansion into the diaper laundering services market as well as our offering of diaper warranty support has helped cushion our profits, but that can only hold off the downturn for so long. Where do we look next, gentlemen? What will rescue our mighty firm from the death sentence of market oversaturation?”
The Colonel paused and surveyed the room, and he was met with little more than nervous coughing and shifty glances.
“Globalization!” Colonel Moneybags thundered. “Emerging markets such as China and India are our new bread and butter, gentlemen. With almost half the world’s population living in these two countries, we have an untapped reservoir of cash that can lead us to huge potential profits. What do they use for diapers over there now? Does anyone even know? Rice? Curry? Well, I have personally hand-picked a team to go over there and investigate. They will be leaving tomorrow, and with them go the hopes and dreams of our company’s future. Godspeed, young men! With your help, there will be no Chinese baby or old person without their asses swaddled in our finest shitrags!”
Well, as you may have already guessed, I was one of the lucky few selected to travel the world to investigate these emerging markets. Our first stop was in India, where we discovered that they do indeed use curry to diaper their young. It was quite a confusing sight, but I won’t bore you with the details. Needless to say, we discovered a demand for our products that was both promising and encouraging. Next stop: China! Little did I know, this journey into the Far East would change my life.
It was on a routine trip to a local diaper manufacturer in Shanghai that I stumbled upon the discovery of a lifetime. Again, the Colonel’s business sense was staggering, as the Chinese did indeed make all of their diapers from rice paper, a very messy and disturbing option, second only to the use of curry by the people of Calcutta. The demand for cloth diapers looked stronger than ever, and I relished relaying this news to my superiors.
As I walked down a back alley street on the way back to my hotel, I heard a sound, not unlike a chorus of angels, emanating from a nearby grocery market. It was music, and what heavenly and divine music it was! Four young girls with voices of pure gold were singing in the back of the market, and they were joined by what I could only describe as a “hype man,” similar to the work of Flava Flav in Public Enemy.
As I listened to their delightful melodies, the whole facade of my “corporate success” came crashing down in front of me, and my dreams of success in the music business flooded my mind. I immediately knew that these girls and their weird “Kabuki Flav” dude were my ticket out of Diaper Hell™. I decided that I would manage this act and bring their magical music to the United States, where we would no doubt conquer the world of pop.
Well, those are all the details that I can share with you at this time. I’m typing this from my work computer at the Diaper Emporium Corporate Shitquarters®. I’m sure you have many questions, such as what my marketing strategy will be, how I plan to carry out my assault on the music industry, and what five obviously Japanese performers were doing in a Chinese market, but those questions will have to wait for another time. Meanwhile, I leave you with our first ever video. Enjoy!
