Special Guest Blogger: Armand Finklestein, Hollywood Insider

 **A note from the proprietor of this blog:  Today I am allowing Armand Finklestein, Hollywood Insider (he insists on being introduced this way), to author a post on my blog.  Enjoy!**

       You don’t know me, but I’m the guy behind the guy next to the other guy who hears all kinds of juicy information about various dealings and happenings and goings on and whatnots in the entertainment industry.  I always have my ear to the ground, listening for the next big project or major studio production coming out of Hollywood.  I’m kind of like that kid Gordy from the movie Stand By Me.  You remember the scene:  Gordy and his pals are in the middle of crossing a giant railroad bridge.  Gordy is walking along behind the crawling fat ass Vern, and he stops and cocks his head.  He then kneels down and puts his hand to the rail to check for vibrations, and he knows there’s a train coming, and he yells out “TRAAAAAIIIIINNN!!!” in slow motion and shit so that the other kids know to run.  Then he throws Vern off the bridge.  Yeah, that’s me, except instead of a little kid on a bridge, I’m me on the internets.  It makes sense if you really think about it and you’re coked out of your gourd like I am.

       So I was having a chat with one of my famous friends the other day (I can’t reveal his name, but let’s just say he’s a really huge director, like Brett Ratner or McG huge!  Okay, it was Barry Levinson), and he was telling me about a pitch he’d delivered that had just been greenlighted.  The idea was very simple:  a biopic of the Three Stooges!  Genius!  So I pushed him for a little more information between the lines I was doing off of Amanda Bynes’ thong (Amanda wasn’t wearing the thong at the time.  I stole it from her trailer when she was shooting Sydney White.  At least I think it was her trailer.  I know it was a trailer.  Definitely on a movie lot.  Or maybe it was a WalMart parking lot.  But still, Amanda Bynes!  Come on!), and he told me that this dynamite new flick had already been cast.  So here, for the first time, on this pissant little blog, I will reveal the cast of the Three Stooges biopic, working title: Stoogin’ Around.

       Cast in the role of Moe Howard will be none other than Ben Stiller.  The kid with the golden…  um… ability to make movies good!  His patented blend of physical comedy and goofy rage make him the perfect candidate to play the head Stooge!  Also, he’s in every movie that Hollywood churns out these days, so he has to fit in there somewhere.  Up next, playing Larry Fine, we have Tom Arnold!  This role will give him the chance to shine again like we haven’t seen since his role opposite Coolio in the classic horror film Shriek If You Know What I Did Last Friday the Thirteenth.   My god, I am literally beating myself over the testicles with a Virginia Ham for not thinking of this idea first!  Also because I really like ham!  In the role of Shemp Howard, we have Jason Biggs, the kid who fucked the pie in that movie about pie fucking.  This will no doubt be his finest role since his Academy Award nominated turn in the classic tearjerker drama Loser opposite Mena Suvari’s perfectly round buttocks.  Okay, okay, okay!  I know you’re all dying to know who is going to be filling the role of Jerome “Curly” Howard.  I think I’ve kept you on the hook long enough.  The role of Curly will be fillled by…  Jeff Goldblum!  Oh man, oh man!  I’m so coked up right now that I think my heart is going to explode, but even I can tell that this movie will be the biggest blockbuster since The Adventures of Pluto Nash!

       So that’s all I’ve got to report from the inside of the Hollywood machine for now, although there will definitely be more to come in the near future.  I hear that Uwe Boll is in talks with a major studio to produce a remake of On Golden Pond, but instead of making it about old people crapping their diapers, it will star Lindsay Lohan and Tara Reid fighting raging zombies.  The zombie roles will be digitally recreated from the performances of Henry Fonda and Katharine Hepburn from the 1981 original.  Oh, man, where’s that ham?!?!

**Another note from the proprietor of this blog: You may wonder why I would allow this delusional freak to write a post on my blog.  I’m not doing this because I value the inside information he can provide about the entertainment industry, or because I think he can get me work in said industry.  You might wonder why I would not want to take advantage of the wonderful benefits of having such a well-connected friend.  Well, that would be because Armand Finklestein, Hollywood Insider is really just some homeless guy I found rummaging through my trash the other day.  He’s pretty dirty, and he smells like a cross between cat urine, Thunderbird, and ass.  Unfortunately, he slipped in through the backdoor last night when I was attempting to throw out the Tuna Helper that’s been rotting in my fridge for the last two weeks, grabbing the tupperware container from my hand and planting himself in front of what he calls my “magic internet box.”  He claims to be on coke, but I think his hallucinations mostly stem from both the massive amounts of Night Train he has been consuming as well as the aforementioned Tuna Helper he has ingested.  There was shit growing on there that could probably drop an elephant in its tracks.  So anyway, if you happen to read this, please call the police.  Armand Finklestein, Hollywood Insider, flushed my phone down the toilet about eight hours ago.**