Scott Baio is 46 and Not Associated with This Weblog

Can I touch your nipples?

Hmm, maybe later. They’re still a little tender from breastfeeding those twelve goats. It was for charity.

Turtlebottom sir,
i think you’re awesome
and i would like to have kids with you

Thanks, Rank. But as I said in the previous comment, I think I’ve had just about enough of kids for now. Those little bastards have rubbed me raw!

Hello Mr. Turtlebottom,
You have inspired me to pursue my dreams of totally becoming a lawyer
So, where do i find these Nigerians that sell them certificates? Is it easy to find them?

and is it possible to reach your level of awesomeness?

Salvatore - It is always nice to hear about how my awesomeness has inspired yet another young person to put down their video game controller and Fruit Roll-Ups (or whatever it is you kids eat these days) and go out and pursue truth, justice , and the American way (money!).

The Nigerians are actually very easy to find. Just check the “Spam” section of your email. Odds are you already have an email from one of them. These guys can do anything, all you have to do is ask! Please remember to have your credit card information, bank account numbers, and Social Security number ready for them.

In answer to your last question, you may one day be as awesome as I am now, but it will take a lot of work. I didn’t reach Awesome Level 5 by sitting around on my duff all day, I can tell you that! But know this: While you may one day be as awesome as I am now, I will at that point have undoubtedly increased in awesomeness, so it is highly unlikely that you will ever catch up with me. I plan on pursuing the Awesome until the day that the Good Lord takes me from this earth, although at that point I may have already reached Supreme Awesome, which would make me more powerful than God, and hence immortal. Sorry if this sounds complicated. No one said it would be easy, Grasshopper.

hey Turtlebottom sir,
i think your plan might be working already
see, the creator of VFTW is scared shitless
he did not even put this letter up on the mail bag section

All Hail Phineas J. Turtlebottom, Esq.

Thank you for providing me with the respect and admiration that I so richly deserve. You are correct to worship me. Carry on.

What a tard

Oh no! You’ve spotted me!

I am going to build a Turtlebottom Shrine in my country
is that okay with you Mr Turtlebottom?

I believe that would be a wise decision. Your country is pretty ugly, but with a shrine dedicated to me, it would most certainly become somewhat less ugly.

Phineas, I am your father

Sorry, Mr. Poser, but my father passed away two years ago, so it’s pretty likely that you are not him.

Unless, of course, you are a ghost that has somehow managed to post a comment on this blog, in which case:

INTERNET GHOST!!!!

Hey, what just happened in here? My attorney just came running out of his office screaming something about ghosts or some such nonsense. He was trailed by his faithful dog Scooby, and there was some goofy 60s-style pop music playing as a montage rolled of him and his dog running from the ghost in silly ways.

That was weird. Cartoon-like, even.

you’re right
that guy is a poser

Phineas, I am you father

Have you no heart? Didn’t I already tell you that my father passed away? And yet you still insist on making jokes about him. How can you be so cruel?

If you want to make jokes about one of my parents, please, make it my mother. Now there was a world class whore!

No really. She won the gold medal for rim-jobbing at the 1976 Ho-lympic Games. We’re all quite proud of that giant whore.

sorry, no more Dad jokes from me
promise

Gad, you make me laugh until Diet Pepsi shoots out my nose! Oh, no! Now I’ve wet myself. Stop. Stop. I’m begging you. . .

Clean up on Aisle 19! Bring a mop! And some adult diapers!

Dear Dr. Turtlebottom,

My name is Mumbulu Mumbatosa. I am curator of the Nigerian Rock & Roll Hall of Fame. My good friend Odjimbwe Duluftatomumba, president of Nigerian Spyward, S.A. gave me your name as a good mark, I mean contact, in the United States.
We are currently looking to add prestige to our Hall, and thought you would be able to help us, for a generous fee of course.
We have noticed your worthy crusade against the anti-music site, Vote For The Worst. We can tell that besides being a brilliant lawler, you are also most certainly an afficiando of fine music as donstrated by your opposition to this dreadful website. We assume that such opposition has been noticed by the producers of American Idol and taht they have taken you into their inner circle. Therefore, we feel you are in a position to help us.
To lend credence (not Creedence Clearwater Revivial though) to our Hall, we wish to hire the services of a superb American singer. Since this has been acknowledged to be the finest season of American Idol ever, it is only logical that we should want the best they have to offer.
Hence, we wish to hire you to obtain the services of the greatest singer of all time, Carly Smithson. We are willing to send you fifty million british pounds in order to accomplish this. Please use this money to lobby the producers of American Idol and convince them to allow Ms. Smithson to appear at our ceremony. Whatever potion of the fifty million you do not use is to be considered your fee for your services. As a bonus, if you can accomplish this mission, we will honor you with a seat on the board of directors of the Hall.
If you agree to help, and I am certain you will, given what is at stake, please email us you bank account information so that we may immediately transfer the fund to be provided. Please also provide your credit cardnumbers (we must have all of them) for security purposes. Also, we will need your social security number in order to provide your governmental taxing agency with the information they will require.
Thank you and we look forward to workingwith you and making the Nigerian Rock & Roll Hall of Fame the finest in the world.

Yours truly,
Dr. Mumbulu Mumbatosa
curator and janitor (not Jan Itor)

Dear Dr. Mumbletosis,

I would be glad to lend my services to help your museum acquire Carly Smitshon as an exhibit. It will be difficult to acquire her and pickle her body in a large jar for preservation, but I believe I am up to the task. However, I will likely require a larger sum of money than fifty million British pounds, for buying a jar of that size as well as enough vinegar to keep Carly’s rather chunky posterior pickled will cost a pretty penny. I may have to contact NASA to design a container of that magnitude.

I have sent my bank account information as well as my social security number, my driver’s license, my date of birth, my mother’s maiden name, the name of my chihuahua (Taquito), and my shoe size (18 & 1/2) to the email address you provided. I will await your deposit, and I’ll get NASA on the horn to start constructing that jar.

Also, while I am flattered by your mistake, you addressed me as Dr. Turtlebottom, when I am not in fact a doctor. In the future, you may address me as “Turtlebottom, Attorney at Laws, Museum Consultant, Fly Fisherman, and French Fry Aficionado.” Or, you can just call me “Pooter” (my fraternity nickname at the Bob Laublaw Online University, Law School, and Pornography Emporium).

Dear Dr. Turtlebottom,

Here in Nigeria, everybody is Doctor. Since you will be helping us, we have made you Doctor too.
Thank you for your information. We have begun looting your accounts, I mean, preparing the money transfer.

Yours truly,
Dr. Mumbulu Mumbatosa

P.S. We have changed our minds we would welcome Creedence.

P.P.S. Taquito was delicious.

P.P.P.S. Our colleague, Idi A. Dada, has a question for you. He wants to know if you are Obote man.

Dear Dr. Mumawhatever,

I’m a little drunk right now, so whatever you wanr uis sure to be yours. i’ve had a whole baottle of some kind of tasrty Merlot, so I’m very pliable at this moment, and typing is wextremely difficult.

You may ask what would cause me to sdrink quit as much as I ahve rtonight, and the answer is thios: I think somebody ate my fuckin; dog, and that’s reall not cool! I was fgonna eat that little fuucker! Now I’m a little pissed.

Anyhoo, I have successufully pickled Credence Clearwater Revival for you, and for some reason I asked Carly Smithsion to marry me. She’s already married, Iknow, but I could totally take that tatooed fucker in a fistfight, or knife fight if necesasary! More cushion for the pushin’, ya know what I mean, Doc?

Well, I;m kind of tired now, so it hink it’s time for beddy-bye. Nighty night, janitor.

Dada was right! You are Obote man! We will have no more dealings with you! You are no longer Nigerian Doctor either!
Your bank accounts are all empty anyway.

Mumbatosa

P.S. Dada will eat you.