Yeah, I’ve got a few hobbies here and there, mainly in the form of collections. Let’s see, I have a collection of Archie Comics going all the way back to his first appearance in Pep, I’ve got a collection of shot glasses from every city I’ve ever visited (I don’t drink the alcohol, but apple juice does the trick just fine), and I’ve got a bunch of thimbles that I inherited from my dear old mother when she passed away last year (Yeah, I know, some people collect the stupidest things!).
But far and above all of the rest, my favorite collection would have to be my collection of stamps! Yessir, I am what you would call a philatelist. Most of ‘em ain’t worth nothing, but I just collect because I’ve always been kinda fascinated with postage. Something really strikes me as magical about how one little stamp could take your words to the other side of the world. It’s like your own little hot air balloon or something that can take you around the world, let you talk to somebody over in Africa, then let them talk back at you, although that kid I “adopted” through Sally Struthers never wrote me back, the worthless little shit. I’ll bet he misses my 30¢ a day now that he can’t afford a spear to kill that lion that’s always stalkin’ his village or whatever. That’ll learn him some manners.
Anyhoo, the stamp collection takes up most of my free time when I’m not workin’ down at the hardware store. I tell ya, nothing is more relaxing after a hard day of sortin’ light bulbs and crescent wrenches than sittin’ back with a cold shot of apple juice and thumbing through my big stamp book. I try to imagine all the places those little stamps could have gone throughout the world. Of course, mine will never actually go anywhere outside of the album I keep them in, but they will in my imagination, and that’s just so much neater anyway. The other night I had a dream that I mailed a letter to Italy, and then in my dream I was able to see the Italian guy who opened the letter. He read it, then set it down and walked away. I tell ya, dreams that exciting don’t happen every night!
Well, the other day I went down to the Convention and Expo Center for a Texas Philatelic Society event, and I damn near lost my appetite for the whole thing. So I walk in, perusing the stamps and looking out for the cheats who try to sell ya cheap stamps at expensive prices (those rascals are always lookin’ for a sucker). I saw some good ones, and it was lookin’ like it was going to turn out to be a mighty fine day of philately. So I come up to this one booth, right, and I’m lookin’ down at this real nice old 1965 Churchill Commemoration, when I notice someone walkin’ up beside me, and they’re standin’ awful close. Well, I glance over and it’s this lady, real young, real pretty, and dressed real inappropriate for a nice family event like what we were attending. She’s almost the spittin’ image of a young Marilyn Monroe back in her Norma Jean days. And she’s lookin’ at me, not the stamps!
Next thing I know, she sticks out her hand at me and says, “Hi, there. My name’s Crystal.”
So I says, “Hey there, Crystal. I’m Ed. Nice to meetcha.”
I noticed that the little red shirt she was wearin’ barely covered her extra large bosoms, and her little cut off jean shorts hung down low enough that you could see her dang thong underwear stickin’ out the top! Now, I didn’t want to hurt her feelings or nothing, so I’m just makin’ conversation. I says, “So you like stamps? This one here’s a real beaut!”
She smiles at me, and without even looking at the pristine 13-cent Jimmie Rodgers in the case, she says, “Yeah, that’s a great one. Say, Ed, what do you say we get outta here and get a drink somewhere?”
I sure ain’t ready to leave yet. I came down here for stamps, and I only been here about twenty minutes! I says to her, “No thank you, ma’am. I’m thinkin’ I’ll stay here and look at some stamps. You’re welcome to join me, but we might have to buy you one of them Inverted Jenny t-shirts over there so’s to cover you up a bit.”
Hell, I don’t know what I said to her, but she gets this real ugly look on her face, like I said somethin’ wrong. So she goes, “Well, I could really use a drink. Don’t you want to buy a girl a drink, sailor? Or how ’bout we go back to my motel room across the road there? I’ve got a a bottle of whiskey on the bureau, and I could really use a little shot.” She reached and touched my wrist lightly when she said that last part.
Well, now I’m gettin’ just a little ticked off. I work all week at the TruValue so that I can earn a little spendin’ money for a hobby I love, not to spend it on booze! So I say to her, “Well, I ain’t much for drinkin’ the alcohol, but I got a Thermos full of apple juice here in my tote bag if you wanna little sip.”
You know that look people get when they’re tryin’ to solve a really difficult Jumble in the Sunday funnies? Well, she gets that look on her face, and then she starts tappin’ her foot on the ground, which can’t be easy to do in those six inch platform heels she’s wearing. She looks at her watch, looks around, and then notices me admiring a 1928 Costa Rica Lindbergh Commemorative stamp. She’s quiet for a minute, then she says, “So you wanna know what my favorite thing about stamps is? I love licking ‘em! I like to take my tongue and just lick them up and down, all over until they’re really moist. Mmmm!”
It’s obvious to me I’m dealin’ with a real amateur here, so I says, “Oh no, you don’t wanna do that! These here are collectibles. What you wanna do is get yourself some glassine envelopes or maybe a good stockbook to keep ‘em in. But for heaven’s sake, don’t get ‘em wet! You’ll ruin your whole collection!”
I don’t know if anyone’s ever looked at you like you’re a mongoloid, but that’s the look I’m gettin’ from her at this point for some reason or another. Kinda like a mixture of pity, frustration, and anger all rolled into one. Then you won’t believe what happens next! She says, “Look here, pal. You obviously can’t take a hint, so I’m gonna make this real easy for both of us. What say we walk out of here, go to the motel across the street, get drunk on some Jack Daniels, and fuck our brains out for the next several hours? How’d that be?”
Well I just about dropped my stamp tote on the floor right then and there! I try to stay calm, but I can feel my face gettin’ all red and my ears hot. I try to keep my voice down, but it’s tough, I can tell ya that. I says, “Ma’am, this here is a gathering of the Texas Philatelic Society. We folks are here to demonstrate and participate in our great love for stamp collecting, one of the purest and most beautiful hobbies anybody can take part in. Now, I’m sorry if I somehow gave you the wrong idea about my intentions for bein’ here or whatever, but I think maybe I oughta walk over this way, and you go that way, and we can both just pretend this never happened. I don’t want to hurt your feelings or nothing, I just didn’t intend to get you all worked up or whatever. I guess I must have that effect on the ladies, I don’t know. ”
Well, without skippin’ a beat, she says, “Fine by me! Thank god!” and she spins on them big ol’ heels and hightails it out of that place, cursing under her breath the whole way. Guess she musta been pretty embarrassed. I tell ya, it darn near ruined stamps for me forever, havin’ to think of a lady’s tongue ruining all of those beautiful stamps I got. I’ll get past it, I guess, but it was as strange an experience as I ever had before, I can tell ya that!
Later that night, I’m sittin’ at home with my haul from the day and a fresh tall glass of apple juice when the phone rings. It’s my brother Chuck callin’ from Plano, and he sounds all giddy about something. He says to me, “Hey, buddy! How was your day? Anything exciting happen? I’m not interrupting anything am I?”
So I answer, “Well, there was some excitement, that’s for sure! You won’t believe this, but they actually had a real Inverted Jenny on display down there today! I never thought I’d get to see one in person. Dang, it was neat!”
There’s a brief pause on the line, then Chuck says, “Oh, yeah, the stamps… Right. No, um, I meant did anything out of the ordinary happen? You know, did you meet anybody down there?”
“Aww, not to speak of really,” I said. “There was this one lady that musta read me wrong somehow. I don’t know, guess I gave her the wrong idea, and she made some kinda comments that were embarrassing for both of us. I apologized to her for gettin’ her worked up. Lord knows I didn’t intend to steer the conversation towards anything dirty.”
Another pause, this one longer, then Chuck says, “So what, you didn’t… She didn’t… What the hell happened? God dammit, Ed! You are about the dimmest sumbitch I ever seen! Guess I just tossed $200 down the dang toilet. There ain’t no way I’m gonna see that money again. That’s the last time I try to show you a good time. Fuck!” Then the line goes dead. Musta been a bad connection or something.
Hell, I ain’t got no idea what that last bit was all about, but I suspect ol’ Charlie was on the sauce again. I set the phone down, then turn my attention back to my collection. I turn back a few pages to my favorite sheet, the 1995 Legends of Hollywood: Marilyn Monroe. Man oh man, I’d sure like to have a tumble in the hay with a gal like that! Yes, sir!
