An Open Letter to the Creators of VoteForTheWorst.com From My Attorney
March 8, 2008 by Jason Austinite
Dear Sirs,
In reference to your website with the address of http://www.votefortheworst.com, my services and legal expertise have been retained by an organization of concerned members of the public, Troubled Watchers of American Television (or TWAT, for short.) This group of viewers, both young and old, have taken great umbrage with the purpose of your website, which has obviously been created because you guys are totally gay, you tried out for American Idol and failed, and you totally just like to ruin the chances of honest, hard-working young people trying their luck at stardom. Let the record show that Sanjaya was total crap, and it’s because of you losers that talented people like that one guy with the hair or that other chick with the thing (you know which one I mean) were voted off long before their time.
Since I am totally a lawyer, I have been hired to sue the pants off of you guys so that your website will be shut down for good. I will use all the skills that I learned through my years of pursuing a legal degree from the Bob Laublaw Online University, Law School, and Pornography Emporium to make sure that you dicks regret ever voting for guys like Sanjaya (who, let the record show again, really sucked) at the expense of awesome talents like Melinda Doolittle, Chris Sligh, and Katharine McPhee’s breasts.
However, there is one way for you to avoid being sued for lots of money and being thrown in jail by the mighty power of the Fox Network, who will totally probably be all about helping me stop you guys from spoiling the dreams of people who can REALLY sing, like Luke Menard and… umm… whoever else got voted off already this year, I don’t remember their names. Anyway, the way you can avoid this totally legitimate and not at all made up threat of a lawsuite is to cease and desist watching American Idol effective immediately. You must also turn this site into a Carly Smithson/David Archuleta fansite immediately upon receipt of this message, and I must never again see on this site any reference to the following items:
Sanjaya
Ponyhawk
Chicken Little
Scott Savol
Man Boobs
Producers “Pimping” Contestants
Bride of Chucky
KKKristy
David Archuleta’s Breathing Issues
All the other totally gay stuff you guys talk about.
Those are the terms of the agreement, and the only way that you can avoid having your website shut down by way of suing and stuff. I eagerly await the transformation of your unfortunate website into a Carly/David jerkfest. Thank you.
Phineas J. Turtlebottom, Esq.
Total Lawyer
**UPDATE** My letter has been posted in VFTW’s Mail Bag section (it’s the very last one down). Apparently some people are laughing at me and doubting my credentials as a true for real lawyer guy. Well, I have but one word for those people: Shut up, losers! I’ll sue you all! I didn’t spend six long months of intense online training and send $500 bucks to some guy in Nigeria to get a fake law degree! Lawsuites all around, you slanderous monkeys!
- PJT, Esq.
Dear Totally Real Lawyer Dude,
How can I become a member of TWAT? Is this a class-action lawsuite? Can members of the viewing public at large that had to suffer through the emotional trauma-causing Sanjaya time period cash in on this? I had real personal suffering, mental anguish, emotional trauma, and physical illness as a direct result of Sanjay being kept on the show by the people at votefortheworst.com. In addition, Amanda Overmeyer, their current pick, makes my ears and head hurt whenever she sings. I would like to join your cause.
Sincerely,
Amber-Lynn LaBrie
Totally Real Victim Chick
Amber,
In re: of your request vis-a-vis joining my TWAT, we are all TWATs at heart, are we not? Should you wish to join our group, you must prove, beyond all doubt, that you hate VFTW with a passion. I will need the following from you in order to consider your application:
1. A doctor’s note describing in detail the symptoms and treatments described above. If you are currently without medical representation, I can recommend a good quack… er.. doctor to examine you. I must warn you, however, that his examinations are, shall we say, extremely thorough.
2. I am asking up front some attorney’s fees to cover my suing expenses. Please send me a check for $97,214.13 to cover your part. This is the amount asked of all members of TWAT and is totally not a scam in any way at all. Really.
3. You must cease and desist visiting VFTW.com immediately upon induction to TWAT. Spyware will be installed on all of your PCs to make sure you comply. All non-compliance results in a serious lawsuite from yours truly.
That’s all you need! I promise a huge cash settlement out of this, and my take is a paltry 98.3%. I eagerly await the above referenced items and to welcome you to the TWAT family!
I will gladly volunteer my services to examine all TWAT’s who are female between the ages of 18 and 21. My examinations are thorough and will meet Turtlebottom’s stringent requirements. Handcuffs and whip optional.
“Shut up, losers! I’ll sue you all!” is more than one word.
Dr. Jan Itor - You’re just the janitor, aren’t you? I’m not falling for that one again, you sick freak! Keep away from me with that mop handle.
Smartie - Wow, you are aptly named. I bow down before your awesome counting skills. And now I will sue you.
I <3 U, mr. totally real lawler guy.
Wooo! Yay for me!
Nikki - You less than three me? What does that mean exactly? I could probably recommend a very good mental health professional to you if needs be. His offices are located in Nigeria. All he needs is your bank account information and your social security number, and then you are officially sane. It worked for me! I’m totally not crazy anymore, although sometimes I love you so much that it makes me want to hurt you. See you tonight from the bushes outside of your house!
Can I be your secretary? I can type 55 words per minuet.
Will you marry me, Turtlebottom?
Mr.Baio
As Chief councel for the Smith & Smith Lawfirm I am writing to inform you that a cease and desist order has been injuctified against your web-site and all internets related affiliates. As per the R.I.C.O. act, the Interstate Commerce Act, and the plaintiffs outlined in Smith v. Covais we suify you for defamation, slander, libel, and ipso facto tardo. Our existing, pending, and attorneyed lawsuite takes precedence by all statures, both publik and international.All proceeds from the dissolution and proceeds thereof from the indemnified habeus corpus chicagus of Della Terza Entertainment, Inc. will be equally distributed to my nieces and nephews hereafter “the plaintiffs”. Please contact my Jr. partner Jackie Stiles for further disclosure.
sincerely,
Hugh Jorgan, Esq.
Grima - Ahh, your comment takes me back to my glory days. The year was 1984, and a young Sammy Hagar released the now classic metal song “I Can’t Type 55.” I used to rock out to that sweet tune with my permed mullet, my DayGlo hot pink sleeveless tee, and my faded ripped acid wash jeans. The job is yours! Keep on rockin’!
Smartie - All marriage proposals must be accompanied by a photo ID and a signed affidavit stating that you, the applicant, swear not to steal me Lucky Charms. It’s my favorite breakfast cereal, and I’ve been burned before.
Hugh Jorgan, Esq. - You apparently need a good secretary like the one I’ve got, because your laughable cease and desist order directed at my client was riddled with typos. Let me show you the correct spelling of some of your errors:
injuctified = injunctified
internets = intarwebs
publik = pubic
Also, isn’t Jackie Chiles is from “Seinfeld”? I’m starting to suspect that you may not be a real lawyer type guy after all. Or maybe you just didn’t go to as prestigious an online law school as I did. You got served!
I cried so much the night that girl with the blonde hair got eliminated. I continued crying throughout the next day and had to call in to work. Can I join the suite and recover lost wages?
Those gay people at vote for the worst crushed my dreams and i hope all their dicks fall off!!!
Don’t they all have blonde hair? Also, why is it your dream for that girl with the blonde hair to win American Idol? Shouldn’t your dreams have something to do with you succeeding in life?
Well, fear not, Just Me (if that is your real name)! You can now replace your old dreams with new ones. Your new dreams will be winning a lawsuite and shutting down VFTW for good*.
*Please note that I will retain all ownership of said dreams and all benefits held therein. Only a few animals were harmed in the making of this website.
Thank you sir. I will keep on rocking…in the name of the law!
Mr. Totally Real Lawler guy,
I waited up all night by the bushes, and you weren’t there.
I’m afraid I’ll have to sue you for the mental anguish you have caused me.
I still <3 u, though.
Dude, I was there! I was just wearing my state-of-the-art Li’l Stalker Brand Protective Camouflage Coveralls (by Hasbro). They come with their own camo face paint and night-vision goggles. You looked lovely, by the way. Green is a great color on you.
My doctor says he’s sending his letter to you forthwith, and it will include all the information regarding everything I’ve suffered.
Do you take MasterCard? Because I really wanted to pay for my sister’s chemotherapy with my Visa.
And I never have and never would visit that VoteForTheWorst.com website. That would be pandering to the enemy! And I, sir, am no panderer.
Sincerely,
Amber-Lynn
I am Amber-Lynn’s doctor and I certified she has suffered.
(singing) KNIFE WRENCH!!
After reading that last post, Dr. Jan Itor, I believe we all have suffered.
That was not my doctor. My real doctor will be getting in contact with you extremely soon. I had to fill out and sign about a million forms to make it okay for him to release the information to you. Damn those Hippos and their acts!
Also, you didn’t say if you take MasterCard.
Sincerely,
Amber-Lynn
Cash only, please.
Ok, well, you’ll have to wait until after the weekend, then, as I have to make a rather large sale of my goods and services to come up with the amount you want. Where would you like the cash delivered?
Sincerely,
Amber-Lynn
Your cereal will be safe. I only have fresh puppy blood for breakfast. What address do I send the photo ID to, darling?
Damn, bitches love me!
You can sue VFTW all you want. They won’t even need a lawyer in such a case, though. I’m no lawyer, but I know VFTW did not indirecly affect your life, so your lawsuit would fail.
First of all, it’s spelled “lawsuite.” Second, you said yourself that you are no lawyer, so I think my knowledge of legal proceedings far outweighs yours, because I am, as I said before, totally a lawyer.
I will give you this though: You are very, very smart.
Dear Mr. Turtlebottom Esqu. Sir,
I take offense at your constant haranguing of the Nigerian nation and people. My name is Chikezie and I am a successful member of the Nigerian nation. Many of us are very good people and do not run scams. I am sewing you for the deep anguish that your racism has caused me. Why don’t you go pick on a different people group.