There are many varied and weighty issues up for debate in the United States in the year 2008. The environment, the future of fossil fuels as a reliable energy source, the unrest and conflict in various Middle Eastern countries, and the USA’s future as a leader on the world stage are just a few of the many topics that are hotly debated throughout our nation on a daily basis. Sometimes, however, important issues can be overlooked, and not enough attention is given to certain rising problems in our society. One such issue is quietly becoming a major concern that continues to receive almost no attention by the nation’s media and political leaders. That issue, of course, is the MySpace page abortion.
The MySpace page abortion received some brief but important recognition in 2006 in the landmark case of Joe v. Wade. Joe Kszrcysewsky and Wade Dobbs were two basement-dwelling World of Warcraft losers who decided to create a MySpace page for their newly formed two member guild, the Sword of Hrothgar. Approximately two months after the creation of the MySpace page, Kszrcysewsky and Dobbs ended both their guild and their friendship following an unresolved dispute over their fantasy casting of the role of “Uhura” for the new JJ Abrams addition to the Star Trek film franchise, Ernest Goes to the Starfleet Academy (it was Joe’s belief that the role could be adequately filled by Halle Berry, while Wade was unwavering in his curious contention that the role should be played by actor Paul Giamatti or no one at all). After the dissolution of the partnership, Dobbs, who had set up the MySpace account under his own personal e-mail account (ch1ck_magn3t_1337@hugedork.com), decided to abort the MySpace page. This decision came after hours of soul searching by Dobbs, who realized that he could not handle the responsibility of maintaining the page on his own while also holding down a part-time job at the local Dunkin’ Donuts. When Kszrcysewky heard of Dobbs’ plans, he flew into a near-psychotic rage that can best be described by the medical term “hissy fit.” Kszrcysewsky felt that the MySpace page, while no longer active, should remain as a tribute to the warrior-poet spirit of the former guild or some kind of stupid nerd crap like that. No agreement could be reached, and so the case was taken before the courts. On December 7th, 2006, Joe and Wade pled their case before a national television audience on Judge Judy, making this the highest rated episode of Judge Judy ever (seven viewers!). After the plaintiff and the defendant both delivered impassioned arguments supporting their respective beliefs, there was not a dry eye in the studio. Judge Judy Scheindlin then delivered her verdict: unintelligible screeching and flying spittle. Confused, the two nerds returned to their respective basements, never to speak to one another again. Dobbs followed through with the abortion of the MySpace page the next day, thus setting a precedent, and MySpace page abortions continue unchallenged to this day. In a recent interview with Incredible Loser magazine, Wade Dobbs revealed that he has experienced no remorse over the abortion, and he has created a new WoW guild and MySpace page titled “The Chamber Pot of Lancelot” with his new internet girlfriend Ima Mann, whom he has never met face to face. In the same article, it was revealed that Joe Kszrcysewsky, while unavailable for comment, never made a full mental recovery from the incident. His current whereabouts are unknown, but it is believed that he may be traveling eastern Europe in a vain attempt to discover how the hell to pronounce his own surname. He was last seen in the vicinity of Prague, rubbing his own shit in his hair.
The debate over the MySpace page abortion has several key questions at its heart. How old must a MySpace page be before it is considered a true webpage? There are those who believe that a MySpace page is valid from the moment it is created, while others feel that the e-mail address must be validated for it to be a true page. There are also those who feel that it’s not really a MySpace page until the user has acquired at least one friend. When you abort a MySpace page, can you hear it scream? Does a MySpace page have a soul? If so, does the soul of an aborted MySpace page go to heaven, hell, or remain in some sort of internet limbo (not to be confused with the popular and delightful “Weird” Al Yankovic polka song of the same name. God, that man can play the fuck out of an accordion!)? Questions have also been raised about the lingering after effects on those who choose to go through a MySpace page abortion. Many mental health professionals cite the case of Joe Kszrcysewsky as proof that MySpace page abortions can leave some users functionally retarded, although others have been quick to point at that Kszrcysewsky was kind of a ‘tard before anyway.
This is an issue that is very near to my heart, as I myself have participated in two previous MySpace page abortions. My first MySpace page was created only to view some photographs on a former co-workers MySpace page. She was a cute girl, and we had this flirty thing going on, so I decided to take the plunge at her invitation. After a few beers, I created an account, visited her page that night, and then viewed the photos, but it turned out to be just a regrettable drunken one night stand with her MySpace page. Relations with her soured soon afterwards, and these circumstances led to my first MySpace abortion. There have been no lingering negative feelings associated with the abortion of this page. It was a simple mistake of my youth, regrettable but not life-altering, and I moved on fairly easily. The second page was not so simple. Again, alcohol was also a factor in the creation of the second MySpace page. This page was actually created for the express purpose of communicating with friends and expressing my own unique personality, and much time was spent adding cool YouTube videos, selecting the perfect indie rock song, and composing a hilarious “About Me” blurb. Slightly drunk and happy with the results, I commenced sending out friend requests. Friends were added, comments were exchanged, and all was looking rosy for the future. Alas, the next day brought sobriety, and then worries and self-doubt began creeping in. Was I really ready for this? With a full-time job and a happy social life, was I really prepared to sacrifice all of that for the time-consuming hard work of cultivating a truly cool MySpace page? Chalk it up to immaturity and an unwillingness to grow up, but after a mere 48 hours, I reluctantly had my second MySpace page abortion. The after effects have not been kind. A wave of depression enveloped me for quite some time, and I spent countless hours wondering what awesome internet videos and funny comments from my friends I may have missed out on as a result of the abortion. And while I may not be considered functionally retarded, I do feel a little stupider. Overall, many of these feelings passed with time, as most things do, but there has always remained a small void in my heart that I’ve known could only be filled by a personalized social networking website.
Which brings us to today. Older now, and more importantly sober, I feel that I am ready to balance a busy work life, family life, and a less active social life with the time it takes to nurture a truly meaningful and rewarding MySpace page. I look forward to watching it grow and flower while identifying the little things that it takes from me as it becomes its own fully realized and intelligent MySpace entity. I finally feel that I have the maturity and sense of personal responsibility to bring a MySpace page to life, qualities that I decidedly lacked as a younger man. All of this brings me to the conclusion that MySpace page abortions, while not desirable and certainly not advisable in every situation, are a necessary evil for as long as people continue to haphazardly create profiles without regard for the consequences of their actions. While many of the questions about the soul of MySpace pages may be debated for eternity, it seems to me that it is better to remove a MySpace page from the world rather than let it sit stagnant and unloved. There are likely thousands of MySpace page orphans that remain unused, the forgotten, dark secrets of the World Wide Web. Imagine a lonely website, cold and frightened, that will never have even one visitor, never experience adding even one friend, never get to share a funny video of a guy getting smacked in the nuts with a golf club. If a stronger case can be made for the existence of the MySpace page abortion, I have not yet found it.
Don’t abort babies, though. That’s not cool.
RIP
Jason’s 3rd MySpace Page
3/5/08 – 3/6/08
No alcohol involved this time; I just like aborting things.
“May flights of angels sing thee to thy rest!”
