Journal Entry – 10/6/2008
Not much happened today. Spent most of the day at work trying to look busy. Also fell asleep behind the file cabinet in my cube for about an hour. Praying no one noticed. On the way home from work, stopped at Sears to buy this awesome new toaster. Seriously, this thing does it all. Four slices of toast at once, bagels, you name it. Was tired of burning my toast every morning using the old piece of junk that my parents got as a wedding gift. Sure, it may seem crazy to spend almost $300 on a toaster, but tell me that in the morning when I am in toast heaven! Can’t wait to test it out tomorrow.
Journal Entry – 10/7/2008
Man, I don’t even know where to start! It was not an especially good night. Didn’t get much sleep, kept waking up to what I thought were noises from the kitchen, but never could find a cause. But once I got up and going, had some coffee, I pulled that new toaster out of the box, and I had the best toast of my life! Started out with just two pieces, butter only, but they were so good that I decided to make four more. Got creative and whipped out the jelly, then peanut butter, then even had a couple of toasty bagels with cream cheese. All were more than I could have ever hoped for! Even though all that toasted bread caused me to cook up and drop a huge deuce this afternoon, it was worth it! What a great day! I love you, toaster.
Journal Entry – 10/8/2008
Blah! Sleep last night wasn’t any better than the night before. Toast was still glorious this AM, but it was difficult to get quite as much enjoyment from it as I had yesterday. Must be rats or mice in the kitchen or something, but every time I go out there, I can’t find a thing! Will call an exterminator tomorrow to come check it out.
Journal Entry – 10/9/2008
Had the exterminator out yesterday afternoon, and he couldn’t find any evidence of any sort of infestation at all! And yet the banging noises continued last night, and I’m starting to freak out. I can’t handle all of this sleep loss. I went out and sat in the dining room in the dark for a few hours, just listening, but I didn’t hear a thing. Then, as soon as I went back to the bedroom, bang, clang, bump! Dammit! I don’t even think I remembered to make any toast this morning!
Journal Entry – 10/10/2008
Been one full week of this craziness, and I don’t know what to do. My only solace this morning was remembering to make my favorite English breakfast, beans on toast, with my amazing new toaster. I was so tired that it was difficult to even chew, but it was still a nice respite from lying awake at night with visions of tearing my house apart to find out where these damn noises are coming from. As I sit here at my kitchen table anticipating yet another night of sleeplessness and downing beer after beer in the hopes of passing out later, I start to have a strange affection for this new toaster. I start having conversations with it, telling it how it’s the only one that understands me, begging the toaster to never leave me, and it seems to be listening! I think I may be losing my mind. Will keep drinking to kill these disturbing thoughts.
Journal Entry – 10/11/2008
Wow, I must have had way too much to drink last night! Woke up this morning, and toaster was in bed with me! I guess after reading last night’s drunken journal entry, I could understand how it got there. The odd thing, though, is that I distinctly remember putting it away in the cupboard before stumbling off to bed. I don’t remember waking up and going out to the kitchen to get it, but I guess I could have blacked out. Weird!
Journal Entry – 10/12/2008
Okay, I’m definitely losing it. Woke up this morning with toaster in my bed again! No drinking last night, and I put it in the cupboard and even locked the cupboard. If I woke up and got the toaster, I would know it, and I’ve never sleepwalked in my life! Then, after returning the toaster to the cupboard and again locking it, I went to take a shower. As I was washing the shampoo out of my hair, I opened my eyes and looked down, and there was the toaster just outside the shower door! Something very strange going on here…
Journal Entry – 10/16/2008
More sleepless nights over the last several days, and more freakish occurrences. Something is not right about that toaster! I used to think that it was the only one who understood me, but now I’m scared! Still finding it in my bed every morning. Have found pairs of my socks torn up out in the living room with the toaster sitting nearby. Found scratches at the bottoms of several doors in the house, all about toaster height. Have noticed damage to some furniture as well, almost as if it was chewed on! What the hell? I think this toaster may be possessed by an evil demon, and I worry about it strangling me to death in my sleep with its electrical cord. Could this actually be happening? Can they perform exorcisms on small household appliances? Or could this all just be in my head? I am very frightened! God help me, my toaster is a monster!
Journal Entry – 10/17/2008
Well, I’m a little embarrassed about my behavior over the last week or so. I called Sears to try to file a warranty claim or exorcism request, but they pointed out a few things I missed in the User’s Manual. My toaster is not possessed by an evil demon or spirit or whatever. Oh, it’s haunted all right, but that’s actually a feature of the toaster. Through some sort of weird interdimensional technology that my brain does not fully grasp, the toaster goes across the great divide into the land of the dead and captures the soul of your most recently deceased pet! Turns out my toaster is actually just Mr. Sparkles, my old pug that died a couple of years ago! That would explain the socks and furniture, and the toaster was not trying to choke me with its electrical cord, it was just Mr. Sparkles trying to snuggle! I was curious why the toaster was called the Black & Decker Pet Ghost Toaster. Now I get to have perfectly cooked toast, and I get to enjoy it with my old pal Mr. Sparkles! Oh crap, gotta go! Time to go walk the toaster! It poops bread crumbs!